Late Night Political Joke Roundup

"MSNBC is reporting that the Department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb. Fifteen billion dollars a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?"
---Jay Leno
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"David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath, on Oprah---17 minutes, four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, Dick Cheney said, 'See, it's not torture. It's magic.'"
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it's exactly one hundred days until the summer Olympics, and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short because the air caught on fire."
---Conan O'Brien
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"There is one man who has a solution [to gas prices]. John McCain...presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18-cent-a-gallon federal gas tax---he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'"
---Bill Maher
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Bill O'Reilly clip: What kind of judgment allows a sitting senator to attend a church that radical? Why is Barack Obama continuing to go to that church?
Sean Hannity clip: He stayed in the church for 20 years. I just don’t know how you could sit there for 20 years. Let's say he went to the church ten years and then left the church. I think people would've said, 'All right, he was showing better judgment.'
Stephen Colbert: Exactly! When you see or hear things that are bad or going on in your church, you get up and you walk out. That's what Catholics like me and Papa Bear and Sean Hannity understand. You leave that church!! Unless it's, y'know, widespread decades-long rumors of sexual abuse. In that case you gotta give it time. ... The point is, all any Catholic pundits and Catholic politicians who may be criticizing Obama are saying is: Do as we say, not as we didn’t!
---The Colbert Report